Being Seen.

This is one of the biggest challenges I face in my life. Yep, out of all the things it could be, it’s being seen. How strange for someone that posts online so often, and is so loud in person.

At one point I shared so much with the world because I so desperately wanted to be seen for who I really am. There is an underestimated pain of being misunderstood in every aspect of your life. It sucks to be looked at as someone you are not, whether it’s good or bad. Aside from that though, it sucks when it feels like you can never get your point across correctly. The positive aspect of this I have found however is that I had to learn how to use my words to communicate at a level I often find others unable to articulate in the same way & that has taught me just how powerful our words truly are. So, regardless of my own struggle I am still grateful for aspects, but that doesn’t mean it resolves the problem.

Not all that long ago I recognized an interesting pattern. I had already came to some sort of conclusion that when I spoke about myself in a situation where I was trying to be understood for who I am that it often didn’t work, & I left feeling so much worse than just the normal amount of misunderstood. For clarification I feel I should emphasize I am mentioning times it was about painting me as a picture correctly, not a situation. The aspect of this recognized pattern that was new and interesting was that when I spoke of these same things in a situation to relate to someone else & to help them feel less alone they saw me as clear as day! There I uncovered a win-win practice that I could do as often as needed when I was helping someone else to feel understood, and the same time in subtle ways it was healing old wounds in myself.

To this day I still struggle with being seen & putting myself out there to the extent I’d actually like to do, but here I write because I’ve learned it isn’t about me. I put myself in this uncomfortable position now not because I need you to see me clearly, but because I want to help someone else that feels misunderstood feel seen clearly for as long as the moment lasts.

I’m actually unsure if people feel the same kind of seen incorrectly as I do, but I figure the only way to find out is if I confront this insecurity and talk about it.

I used to get really upset inside of myself when people couldn’t see me for who I really was, but for me personally, after a shit ton of inner work, I noticed that I’m pretty sure I don’t see myself clearly very often either and so no wonder they don’t. I mean after all our outer world is a reflection of our inner world.

I don’t know why I struggle with seeing myself clearly. Maybe it’s because I am the type of person that tries to see all perspectives to get a clear view, and I’m getting too many views of myself to comprehend. Maybe it’s because I didn’t feel like I could outwardly be myself for so long, and who I am or who I want to be is too hidden to find. Maybe it’s because I have studied quantum physics too much and I can’t put the idea of self into a box anymore. Maybe it’s all the above and then some.

Aside from the reason, I was shown something really cool the other day that I want to share in relation to being seen, like I said before— for whoever needs it.

I’ll make this story short and simple for you since you’ve already came this far.

I was sitting on my master bathroom floor after I had put Frankie in the bath one evening. I hadn’t brushed my hair all day. I had a little bit of smeared makeup under my eyes from the remaining that I didn’t get all off the night before. I was looking at the dog hair on the ground & thinking to myself “holy shit, I swept in here yesterday… I’ll never be able keep up with everything at this rate. I can’t keep up with my house or myself no matter how hard I try.”

Then I looked up into the full sized mirror on the wall in front of me & time stopped for just a second. If you don’t already know this about me, I can hear spirits. So, all of the sudden as I looked into my own ragged reflection I felt a deep wave of heat and peace come over me. I took a deep breath and this is what one of my favorite frequent angelic visitors brought to my attention…

I kept my eyes on the mirror, but in my minds eye I could also see myself from the perspective of someone standing in the doorway. I heard these thoughts…

“Look how much she loves Frankie, she’s sitting right by the bath to keep her safe and make sure she doesn’t feel alone.”

“Look at her beautiful face shining back to her in the mirror. She has a little bit of makeup under her eyes from yesterday when she had fun paining a new style on her eyes as she took a few minutes to get ready to present herself in a way that makes her feel good when she met some clients she was helping. She has no idea that the fun makeup style she wore yesterday inspired her client to be brave and authentically express herself more often.”

“Look at the dog laying next to her on the floor. He loves her so much, and really appreciates how nice she makes his life. He would do anything to comfort her and make sure she knows he loves her.”

“Look at that oversized Tshirt she is wearing of her husbands. He loves coming home to see her in his shirts, just like he did when they were first together.”

“Look at her overthinking about all the things she wants to do as best as she can, because she knows she enjoys working hard for her nice life, she loves herself enough to do things she enjoys, she loves to do her best for her family, friends, clients, her dog, and she even wants to take care of her floors because she appreciates them. She is so caring.”

“Look at our perspective of you… and when you find yourself in a little less positive thought patterns practice seeing yourself from our eyes. We love you. Let us know what we can help with.”

So you see, on the note of being seen, maybe being seen doesn’t have to be so uncomfortable. Maybe being seen is exactly what we need.